Where did my motivation go?

Question

I was never a good student and often got Cs and Bs because I was too focussed on video games which helped me escape from social anxiety and insecurity (I have no talents(not even relatively good at anything)). During 8th grade, I found a friend and became interested in everything we did in class. I was a 3rd teacher in my math class and came up with my own original way of doing rotations (only works with 25, 50, and 75 degree rotations) who the other kids relied on to learn when we had a boring math lesson. I was one of the top endurance runners in track and went from someone nobody knew about to one of the top people in my classes. I even managed to improve socially a little. I had pride in myself for the first time. (Writing more... reload and there should be more.)

Answer 1

Where did your motivation go? I don't think you ever had any motivation, though. The only reason you started to succeed academically was to impress that girl who is no longer your friend. No? Feel free to post more random questions here as YA is always in need of more crap. And do move out of your house as soon as you can, since your parents seem mean to you and your siblings. Negative influences can drag people down to the dumps. Best.

Answer 2

You're white

Answer 3

With the third marking period came a familiar insecurity about friendship and talent along with feeling alone again. I still had my one friend, and if anything we became better friends during this time, but I lost motivation to do work. I became less obsessed with trying to get work done and often found myself getting distracted with random questions like "What is the rarity of having green eyes" or "What makes sleep important". I could not stop thinking about these questions while doing my work, so I would find the answer only to form more questions. I believe it is more than just ADD because I did not have this problem before. I believe it was just a sudden loss of interest and do not know what caused it. I was unable to maintain high honor roll for the 3rd and 4th marking period, but got honor roll. During the first marking period this year, I did not even manage to maintain honor roll. I did make honor roll again in the second marking period, but I skip every lunch, stay up every night until 4 in the morning doing work. I have tried different genres of music to help me focus, developed a commitment contract that I could not stay committed to for even the first day, and even went to an online depression chat to see if I felt better, I could do better. (Those chats are useless by the way.) I went out of my way to maintain contact with my one friend over the summer, but our friendship was not important to her, and became awkward. I ended up letting it go (We reached out to each other in the beginning, but I was the only one dedicated to the friendship in the end. I did not start a new conversation, and she hadn't since late August.) Since then, it has definitely gotten worse. I am having harder time focusing and I already mentioned how I stay up later. I feel pointless to the world and anyone. My parents have both told me they wish they could put me up for adoption because I am as much a disappointment as my siblings (who also do not care about each other because they are all trying to get away out of this house). I do not think I am depressed, but do sometimes feel really upset and contemplate whether my death would affect anyone at all. I would never actually kill myself though because I found a YouTuber, MamaMax, (the closest thing I have to a friend despite not knowing him) that everything will get better. That is my only motivation. I would give up all my free time again to my education if I could. I don't care about anything else, except for some reason, finding answers to my stupid questions. Anyone have some kind of experience enough to help me?