at what point is it OKAY to be mean?

Question

im not trying to brag but im very sweet so ppl have gotten away with saying rude nasty things to me that someone else wouldve beat them up for. is being sweet bad? ok and HOW can i be mean? i have a laidback gentle rep. i couldnt be mean if i tried.

Answer 1

You basically said it yourself: you don't WANT to be mean to people. That's not a bad thing. But you also don't want people walking all over you, and that's human and normal. Rather than "being mean", I think you want to practice "being assertive." Not aggressive, but assertive. There's a big difference.



Don't try to come across as a "big ol bully"; if it's not who you are, you'll likely only get laughed at. If people treat you badly, disrespect you, or hurt your feelings... it can be difficult, but merely bring yourself to a place where you can speak up for yourself. Something like, "You must know that I do NOT appreciate your saying those things about me. If you continue, it says far more about you than it does about me, and none of it is positive. If you keep it up, I'll keep you on 'permanent ignore' where you belong." Later, you might try asking, "do you kiss your mama with that mouth?" (You'll need to be feeling uncharacteristically secure about yourself before you do that!)



Until you can do any of the above (the first time is the most difficult, believe me!), just give them disapproving glances and then ignore them. But when you're ready, telling them what you think of their behavior is NOT mean; it's assertive, and it's perfectly acceptable.



But if you can avoid a huge conflict, that's never bad. Just don't let them walk all over you. (Basically, I just told you how I handled the same type of situation, years ago.) Can you speak to a school counselor or a teacher you respect, and get his or her opinion?

Answer 2

It's definitely okay to stand up for yourself, but some people have a higher tolerance for things than others. Would you feel bad if you stood up for yourself (and I think you can do so without being mean, actually)? Do you feel bad when you let other people talk smack to you? If something makes you feel bad, then change it in a way that is appropriate for you and effective. Don't try to be something you aren't. There are many, many ways to stand up for yourself (you can use humor, confrontation, insults, violence, etc). Obviously, some of them work better than others and some simply won't be comfortable for you. Regardless, chances are that, because you are typically nice, when you do say anything that might be perceived as confrontational, people will pay attention. Being sweet is only bad if it means you are letting people walk all over you.

Answer 3

It's never okay to be mean. Everyone has feelings and we should respect them as a person and not try to hurt them.



People being mean to you is that they aren't respecting you. You don't have to be mean back but you can speak up against what they are doing. But sometimes it's right to say that what they did hurt you and other times you should just focus on the fact that what they are doing is wrong and not your feelings in it - depends whether they are going to keep going if they think they hurt you.



Also, it's good if you can deal with someone in private, even if what they did was done publicly because that is showing them courtesy by not showing them up in front of others. But sometimes when someone is behaving badly towards you in front or other people, you should deal with it right there and then in front of everyone. Reasons I would see to deal with it in public is if what they are saying is damaging to your reputation, then a calm statement that they are wrong would be best to stop talk spreading because you didn't "deny it" (although people rarely believe bad of nice people anyway ;-) ) or if they are making more people than just yourself feel uncomfortable, then I think something should be said so that others can feel comfortable to speak up as well if needed.



Basically look for resources about boundaries and setting boundaries around your life. Being nice doesn't mean letting people push you around and neither does it mean needing to let people walk over you and take advantage of you.



http://books.google.com.au/books?hl=en&id=S4kJsno_txYC&dq=boundaries+cloud&printsec=frontcover&source=web&ots=HQ24DmqJWH&sig=cyrJo8nzWppUQpNbLe_skP57ZOk&sa=X&oi=book_result&resnum=2&ct=result

Answer 4

I am the same way!! I can't be mean to anyone, and it is okay not to be mean. I usually ignore it. I used to get bullied pretty badly when I was younger, I even got punched in the stomach really hard in front of people. Ya, ouch!! He was a boy too. What happen to that males are never allowed to hit females?? Anyway, I couldn't be mean back. I had a lot of bad memories. I still have some problems even if I am out of school. People are cruel. I even got my toes ran over by the same boy who was riding his bike. I know how you feel.

Answer 5

When you're standing up for yourself, it's not a matter of mean or nice: it's necessary to defend yourself if someone's really giving you a hard time. Don't let people take advantage of you like that. You don't have to be mean to get the results you want.

Try pulling the person aside and informing him/her that your feelings are getting hurt, and you'd appreciate it if they'd stop. If it still continues, just distance yourself from the person. There's no rule saying you have to hang out with anyone, just do what you want! :)



(p.s. I'm a really nice person too, so I know where you're coming from)



oh. p.p.s: Do NOT insult the person to "get back at them". It's just childish behavior, especially if it's done in front of a group of people.

Answer 6

You still have to defend yourself. You can be firm without being nasty or mean about it. EX. someone cuts ahead of you in line, you say, "Excuse me, the line is back there. Please leave, now." That's not mean or rude, that's just being direct. If you said "You're a ******" and punched him out, that would be going over the top. ^_^



Practice being direct and insisting on being treated with respect. It is a habit that is hard to learn, for us easygoing types, but will serve you well.

Answer 7

In some ways being 'sweet' can be just as mean and irritating as being actually mean and irritating.



If someone is purposely being 'mean' or trying to wind you up..alot of the time..what they are looking for is a reaction. Somethign that i do (not because i'm sweet, but because i know it gets on peoples nerves)...is when people are winding me up, or being patronising, i smile and agree.

When people want you to turn around and say 'Argh just get lost, leave me alone!' or 'Bugger off if you think im going to do that i'm not your slave!'



I turn around and say. 'ok' (with a smile of course)



and it gets to them EVEN more :-)





Tehe, give it a try :-)

Answer 8

sometimes being too nice is a bad thing. you don't necessarily have to be mean but you need to say what you think in a nice way. use your gift of being such a sweet person to your advantage when you need to be assertive and tell people a not so nice thing. your tone and the way you say things can totally change the effect. this is a gift so use it to your advantage without being a pushover!

Answer 9

People walk all over me but u know what I've learnt? The nastiest people are sad people and the more u smile at them the harder they find it to be nasty to u.

It is never ok 2 be mean but u can be stronger than them and use witticism it stumps them they don't understand but u do...........

Be strong mate and don't lower yourself to their standards you are a better person, they want u to think your cup is half empty when really it's half full.

Answer 10

I'm the exact same way. When they start to mess with you and it hurts your feelings, say someting back.DONT try to say something betta then them but just to stand up for yourself.

JUST because you nice does NOT mean you dont have a mean side. lol.

Answer 11

Get a good sweet job and pay someone to do mean for you.

Answer 12

dont be mean state your meaning your answer only get mean when some 1 crosses the line with one of those danm not working your mama jokes or anything else

Answer 13

You don't have to be mean if you don't want to. But you don't have to put up with them either. Just walk away and don't let them spoil your naturally upbeat personality - they're probably bitter and jealous of it.

Answer 14

I used to let people walk all over me too, then I said enough and decided to say something when someone hurt my feelings. I have slowly gained their respect and they have stopped.

Answer 15

Okay, look at it like this;



You want something, and you have to get over the obstacles however you deem fit.



Mean-ness is not a nessecity, but it can be used.

Answer 16

i have held back soo much crap whole life... when i was a kid i was always the one that would be considerd the sweet one... but there is a limit and a line to cross when things are said to me now... i dont let that slide anymore....

Answer 17

Don't let people take advantage of you. Be firm with people, and only be constantly kind if your getting the same from them

Answer 18

So you want to be mean? Is it because you/ve had enough with their crap? Bluntly tell them what you think. With no recourse for their feelings. That's mean.

Answer 19

the best way to be mean is to just ignore the person.



theres nothing that pisses somone off more then to not be noticed.

Answer 20

All the time mother fucka! Its fun to be mean and hurt people.

Answer 21

you don't have to be mean



you could say things like "why on earth did you call me that nasty name" etc and kill them with logic and guilt.

Answer 22

You are perfect the way you are. All you have to do is learn how to stand up for yourself.

Answer 23

Try to make them cry. It makes you feel powerful.

Answer 24

never!

why do you want to feel so bad. let it go and be free and happy.

forgive and forget for your own happiness

Answer 25

be sarcastic when you answer to people

Answer 26

be firm

Answer 27

WWJD

Answer 28

happy crappy

Answer 29

i don't know? crap?