I sometimes imagine as if I'm being watched.?

Question

Serious answers only please... This is somewhat hard for me to talk about.

Ever since I was 12 I lacked friends. Which led me to find ones who were convenient but who were also far away. At that time I was always on the computer. I wanted so much to escape what I was dealing with at home with my stepdad and my mom who always worked nights and slept during the day. I never really got the opportunity to go outside.

I picked up roleplaying online. Made interesting characters, played them out, gave them really cool back-stories (or so I thought at the time). I would talk with people my age and have fun doing that. It was a wonderful escape from all the shitty things I dealt with at home and school. After a while I gained some really great friends and this is where my problem escalates. Whenever I was away I would always imagine in my head how my characters or even I would interact with those people I talked to. To this day I'm still good friends with some of those people, only a few who I've actually met.

I would imagine being among them in a world not like here. But like in our stories. I would always imagine myself or my characters just being with my friends whenever I was bored or felt lonely.

Later on my crowd of friends changed and I took up art, went to college, etc. The world I imagined began to evolve into something like a theatre. And the characters I once had just disappeared and I only imagined a personification of myself among others. I really wasn't me when I was there, but rather who I wanted to be.

I'd imagine there was some guide to this other world. And those who were invited to be there were there for whatever reason. Pretty much I just imagined those that I knew, who were privileged enough to be invited to such a wonderful world. They would be able experience things outside of their normal world. Me, I'd always imagine being among friends I've become distant from. I've always wanted to care for people very much... and, I just imagine over and over again what my day would be like if I were just someone else, or rather someone better than how I am now. It always begins the same. It never progresses past the beginning in my mind. I think and rethink a scene forever. I try to imagine something I'm good at and that makes me happy and imagine myself doing that for people who care and would enjoy it also. I imagine my best friend there, and how we chatter on about things like art, boys, baking, and something like Germany. Hell, I've imagined we were able to speak German fluently... I've always wanted to do that.

But it escalated from there as well. I'd imagine my theatre of friends, and they would be able to see anyone they wanted on this huge screen... And the guides to this world were all knowing. So anyone they asked to see they knew all about that person. And because, you guessed it 'I' imagined this world, it was a view into my world, my actual life. So sometimes I'll imagine through the day that people are watching me. Learning more about me, about my personality. What are some good things about me, what I'm best at, why I might be a good friend, also commentary of what other people think about me.

Whenever I'm lonely I think I'm being watched by those learning more about me. I feel like I want someone to care I guess? It's slowed down a bit from when I was younger. But I can't seem to shake the feeling that I need someone to know all about me. Preferably those I'm going through difficult times with. I never imagine my family. Only my friends and possibly some acquaintances as well as others who might be friends of theirs, etc. Lately I've been thinking of others artists who live on the same coast as me that I often encounter at events. I guess I somewhat want to feel important? And that my art is somewhat relevant even though I don't do art so much anymore... In my head I'm much better than I really am.

I know it all sounds silly, but right now I am just on the brink of tears really. I'm not sure what's wrong with me or how to classify it. When I get insurance I want to get help. I know I'm already horribly depressed or I wouldn't go to such lengths to escape reality. But I haven't really told those close to me how this has been going on for so long. I don't want to tell my parents of course. They've never really cared how depressed I was... I really came here today because I want to approach my boyfriend about it. We just got over a break, and throughout that time all I could imagine was him and I together. Or him being able to watch me and see how miserable I was without him.

I don't feel like it's worth being admitted to a place or anything, but I don't know why psychologically I'm like this. Even sometimes when I'm with my friends I want others to witness how much of a good time I'm having just being myself and really

Answer 1

Hon, what you are describing sounds very, very much like Maladaptive Daydreaming. I have this problem and can definitely relate to some of what you are saying. This is a condition that causes obsessive daydreaming. Take a look at this website and see if this sounds like you:



http://daydreamingdisorder.webs.com/



If you read about this person's behavior on this site, I think that it will sound very familiar to you. BTW, there are a LOT of people that have this problem. There is even a forum on Yahoo about this:





http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/maladaptivedaydreamers/



I would suggest that you look at both sites and see what you think. However, no one can diagnosis you over the internet. I would suggest that you get evaluated by a professional in case your problems are caused by some other issue. Best of luck and hope this all helps. You can write me (by clicking on my name) if you want to ask me any questions about all this.

Answer 2

How about going over to the places where people could be - photographing all around you to privately study later, or going to a vantage point and photographing the area[s] you were in and watching these images like they're cctv footage - think of the person walking into shot and doing something, who would be just the same, looking directly at the camera [you] though but not seeing anything there - do you get a sense of yourself from doing this? If so, then the balance was already upset, if not, then do not pander to it, it will just invoke some other habit.

Answer 3

I have the same problem

Answer 4

I have had this tendency/problem/addiction from a very young age. I always had a decent circle of friends as a child, but was still an introvert and preferred to be alone and to get lost in fantasy worlds (I used to spend hours building Lego creations while listening to audiobooks). This form of fantasising began as myself imagining having two or three imaginary friends, but the first specific, 'mature' example of the problem that you have mentioned came when I was about 10.



I was doing something, I can't remember what, but significantly it was something I felt proud about, something I wanted others to see. You hear this represented by 'normal' people with the phrase, 'I wish x could see me now', etc. For me this desire for an 'other' to have a cinematic window into my world increased and dozens of moments per day I would desire people to both see the world from my eyes and to appreciate what I was doing. Although I never really probed the issue until later, I suppose the fantasy, to give itself some credibility, entailed some future culture finding 'footage' of my life but without knowing that I had wanted to be seen.



As I think I am a person who suffers from OCD, and generally has a tendency towards that sort of behaviour, the common desire that most people have that others might 'see' them (particularly in situations where they feel triumphant/proud) morphed into an OCD whereby dozens of times per day I would imagine sections of my life as films to be viewed by different groups of people... Either society at large, often a group that I would describe as 'girls I want to impress', teachers, but never parents interestingly (as you said alpha_technogoddess).



A few years after the initial occurrence of this desire to be seen, this strange, non-sexual reverse voyeurism, and in combination with OCD, I had to 'frame' every 'film' that I desired to be seen. It sounds ridiculous writing it down but to this day i unironically and sincerely do this all the time. A few years ago, the 'trigger' for these films was a simple physical action, for example, hitting thumb and middle finger together. This period would initiate the film. Very rarely did I try and end the films, the rush for me was the initial period, the 'hit' of fantasising about others watching me.



Of course, to preserve the integrity of the fantasy, those watching the film, the anonymous audience, could not know that I was fantasising about them, so the clicking of thumb and middle finger had to be out of sight. To incorporate for times when this was not feasible (this starts to sound ridiculous but I mean it all sincerely) I would click and mentally assign a temporal delay before the film started. This would come down to tenths of seconds, e.g., 'The film begins 2.2 seconds after the click'. Occasionally I would have to backdate this: 'The film began 1.9 seconds after I clicked'.



I was always aware of this issue but because it did not make me feel bad, was conversely a small pleasure, in the way that giving into any OCD is, I did not seriously try to stop it. However, I had successfully managed to eradicate a previous OCD, more common, about evening up the amount of times sides of my body touched surfaces (e.g. feet scuffing the floor) and so I thought it would be psychologically healthy (I still do) to prove to myself that I could exercise control and eradicate this compulsion. Or, more reasonably, stop it being an addiction and return to occasionally thinking, 'I wish x group of people could see me now'.



As a first step a year go, I managed to transfer the OCD from finger clicking (I still do this sometimes but it feels 'wrong') to just an untriggered moment in time, e.g. '...NOW the film starts.' Previously, opening my eyes had been the signal, but this felt wrong and I got rid of it (blinking is a common tic). To initiate a 'film' with blinking now would feel a) dangerous in terms of restarting that specific tic (people with OCD often worry about therapists adopting their tics) and b) that it was somehow dirty, too large and clumsy a film-trigger for my liking. For a couple of weeks I managed this untriggered initiation, but I soon found, slightly alarmingly, that the trigger became attached to any remaining constants. When I am reading and I want the 'others' to see that I am reading, the moment my eye travels from between the end of one line and the start of the next is the trigger. Lying alone in bed at night a heartbeat is the trigger. Alternatively, and most commonly now, it is the little pause and 'click' in your breathing passages just before the outbreath. This makes the initiation of my films less externally obvious than the clicking, but I am not sure it's done anything to help with the problem. I had a paranoid moment a week or so ago when I wondered if I would lose control of my trigger, and my subconscious would begin initiating films without my consent if I, the conscious, denied it. So far this has not happened but then I have not eradicated the problem. My desire to do so stems from the general belief (I do not understand the biology of OCD that well) that each realisation of of tic releases a hit of a feel-good brain chemical, probably dopamine, and increases our desire for more, just like any addiction. Reducing this tic, I hope, would make me more mindful, more appreciative of the concept of 'I wish x could see me', more comfortable being alone, being just with my own mind, doing whatever I'm doing without wanting others to see me. I think the problem has been exacerbated if not created as a counterbalancing force to my performance anxiety. I have often struggled with feelings of incompetence, anxiety, self-consciousness, and this is perhaps a desperate plea for others to see me, particularly when I am alone, doing things I feel I am proud of. Writing it down like this, its quite sad. Although I have seen small improvements, I genuinely don't think that I could be comfortable, say, reading a chapter of a book or going to the gym or to a party without at some point initiating a series of 'films' that I desire other people to see, either in the present or in some imagined future. Very often my imagined audience is my past self. I want to prove to that past self that I can achieve, have fun, be interesting.



Just to wrap up, while writing this post I have triggered about twenty times. As with most films, I become dissatisfied within well under a minute and initiate a new one. But of course if the audience is some futuristic society finding my brain recordings then they will be shocked because this specific film proves that I and I alone am aware of what they are doing. This feels wrong somehow: to preserve the fantasy I have always hid the fact that I know I am being filmed. This means that every film is a lie. My outside self acts like some character who is aware they are being filmed. In my head, however, I am constantly acting. One day I hope that these moments will be few and far between, and I can appreciate each one as it comes.

Answer 5

YEAH WHAT DREAMWEAVER SAID !