Depressed/Suicidal PLEASE HELP?

Question

I really don't know where to begin...

I'm a 17 year old guy. I look like I'm 12. Everyone I know calls me feminine names, like pretty, and **** like that. The ironic part is that I'm bisexual, even though I am totally not attracted to falmbouant gay people. I hate all the accents and feminie type gay people...

I am crazy... I just constantly think about how crazy it is that the whole world is run by a small group of people who are filling all our lives with propoganda... making us all think certain ways and stuff.. I guess I'm more of a Libertarian.. I read a lot of news and stuff and I've never really met anyone my age who shares that interest with me

I'm so different from everyone in my life.. its so depressing.. ive never met anyone I felt I could be really good friends with..

I have misophonia.. if u havent heard of it, it is a condition in which certain sounds bother me a lot (like chewing and stuff like that).. It isnt my choice at all.. as soon as i hear a trigger sound my "fight or flight" reflexes kick in.. I lose control.. I get so angry and frustrated.. I just need to leave whatever I'm doing... and if I cant leave the area I get physically violent (rarely)

I should be a senior in high school next year, but I left school to get my GED and go to community college. I was kicked out of school for weed. (I never had anything on me and the principal told me he had proof that I was "selling weed in school" even though we found out he made all that up to get me to admit to it.. he told me if i didnt admit to it he would kick me out.)

I don't have any friends.. i don't belong to any social circles. I have a total of 0 guys and 0 girls in my life I can talk to and connect with.

No one cares about the world.. they just care about doing all the stuff they feel they "have" to do to fit in..

please dont give me a talk about the weed... I don't smoke weed because it's cool.. I do it because it calms me, and helps with misophonia.. I don't even smoke with other people usually.. i smoke by myself. It acutaly annoys me when people give me crap for smoking by myself even though they smoke with friends. I mean if its good enough to do while other people are watching, why wouldnt u do it by yourself,(unless ur just trying to be cool of course)



I feel so awkward and out of place, physically and mentally. No one wants anything to do with me.. I mean i can make friends easily, but as soon as we get to know each other they all soon realize who I really am.. just some weird guy who thinks differntly than everyone else....

I just want friends.. I just want to fit in, but I know that it can never happen, because in doing so I will have to go against everything I believe in..

its all so ironic... I want to fit in, yet I know that in reality, (at least on a mental level), I want others to fit in with me.. not the other way around...

I keep telling myself I want to be normal, but then I realize how it feels like i AM the normal one.. and that everyone else is "different" and that the only reason they are different is because they are propagandized....

I just don't know what to do. It's like, even if somehow I fit in with others, just having misophonia makes having a relationship virtually impossible for me. Even when I'm by myself I get bothered so much by it.

I would kill myself but i cant bare to think about what my family would go through.. my parents love me so much, they give me so much support.. I want to tell them everything, about being gay, how I think differently than everyone, but then I realize that they wont understand.. esepcially about the way I think.. they are just as propagandized as anyone else.


I feel like my life is just one big test or something.. because I am so different from everyone else... it's crazy. i just hope the world changes or something, or else im in for a lot of hurt in my life.



Thanks for listening if you actually read all this.. I'm just ranting I guess. I don't really have anyone to talk to

Answer 1

As far as fitting in goes - forget it, just completely forget it. Not because you are weird or different or 'the one with the problem' but because it's completely pointless.

As soon as you fit in highschool, which is tiring and puts you in a mould, you have to maintain an 'image' so the people don't reject you. Then once you leave highschool and go wherever, there will be a different 'it' group that will reject you again and you'll have to change. again. This will keep happening if you let it and it's just depressing.



Be yourself ((you seem to have a pretty good idea of who you are), however instead of wanting to 'fit in' just focus on refining your social skills. It's really an acquired skill learning how to handle different people and knowing how to relate to them. It just takes practice.



"Normal"? There's no such thing. People like to think there is and that they are normal because it's comforting. It's a comfort zone that no-one wants to come out of because hey, we're all insecure.

Never, and I mean ever, try to be normal - it's weird. ;)



Keep thinking differently because that's what makes people successful. After all, it's always the "crazies" with all their "crazy ideas" that do extraordinary things.



If you're unhappy you just need to change your mindset.

Find out what inspires you, makes you happy and then take that to the extreme.



Again - never be normal, be so different people don't know what to do with you - be extraordinary.

Answer 2

Maybe you should try to connect with more like-minded people while you're in college. You could try to find out if there is a libertarian student organization at your school. Libertarian college students are typically very welcoming of people who are gay or bisexual. You could even start a group of your own with the help of Students for Liberty. They can supply you with tabling kits, free books to hand out on campus, and advice on how to get a pro-liberty student group started. They have campus coordinators throughout the country who would be happy to help you out if you're interested in something like that. If that seems like too much to handle you could also look into Students For Liberty's regional conferences and find out if there is one near you. It might be a good place to meet people who share your worldview and don't have an irrational judgmental attitude toward gay and bisexual people. They would probably be understanding when it comes to misophonia too, as any reasonable person would. It sounds like the students at your high school are just being shallow and immature.



If any of that Students For Liberty stuff interests you, check it out here: http://studentsforliberty.org/

Answer 3

First and foremost, I just want to let you know that I fit your description very, VERY closely.



Misophonia, marijuana, mental "disorders"; check check check.



I stumbled upon your post with just a simple "marijuana for misophonia" search, and I'm actually relieved that I'm not alone in this decision! Really freaking cool.



I've recently started to accept psychiatry and psychology within the last few weeks of this post, and I can only say that I am extremely satisfied, but beware if they call you some harsh diagnostic type labels. (Psychotic), is just one that I have received to help put me somewhere along the broad spectrum of being.



Now, the reason I made this account to respond, is to literally let you know of your supposed seclusion in this ocean of chaos.



And in my honest opinion, it's good to realize where, and who you are! Don't feel stupid or dumb because of your own ****, because that's all I've put myself through in my life, and let me tell you; when you can realize your independance from others, your differences: the world becomes your oyster bro. You just gotta navigate it right.



To be blunt, all this material **** is temporary.... which leads me to another thing! Why care about a temporary vessle who's thinking about leaving early? Because of this connection that's been made through some cool modern technology. Your vulnerability, and current experiences in life, are literally going to make you stronger. In the long run that is.



Suicide for me has been a fantasy for a loooooong time. Especially dealing with misophonia, spd, add, migraines, social disorders, anxieties, major depression, and yaddayadda.



Why have I not been suicidal recently? Well, if it wasn't for finding hope in the beautiful cbd strong, medicinal-grade herb, the respect of medical professionals, passion in creativity, music, art in general, and just the overall support from the few I surround myself with; well I would have been either extremely schizo, or maybe dead. Who knows!



That's what's fun about this ****, its all here and now!



Idk if any of what I said reaches out to you like yours did to me, but I just felt obligated due to the striking similarities.





Haha, my final advice: start at home tomorrow, or the next day, do what feels right, your young, and just get some of that medicine in your system and maybe have some conversation with your parents, or anybody else. But any contact can help in my experience. Just remember to think for yourself, question (as you do), respect other people's interest because you might find something cool that you can grab onto. You don't have to stoop to others, just swim around a little. Psychomotor retardation is real, so if you can take a walk, do it. If not, try and get some protien, if at all possible.



Learn more about yourself, what makes you tick, what satisfies you, what leaves you hungry for more.



But if it's depression that's just kicking your ***, I can only wish to give you a hug.



Hope something sparks for you, its hard at first, and it's only going to get harder until it gets better. Idk, /rant



Take care