How do I get myself out of an emotionally abusive situation?

Question

I'm in high school and although I am well liked and accepted by the "popular group" at my school, I am a very shy person who finds it difficult to reach out and get close to other people. I have many acquaintances but have never had more than a few good friends at a time. Right now, my "best friend" of four years is pretty much the only close friend that I talk to at school (I have a few other friends that attend different schools). My family has always disliked her but when I first met her, I liked the fact that she was blunt and confident and always stated her honest opinion while most of my other classmates couldn't even form an opinion.

Slowly, over the years, the traits that I once found endearing have become toxic. It's hard to explain because her cruelest tactics have a lot to do with disgusted/unamused facial expressions, sarcastic/snotty tone of voice, and uncomfortable/unavailable posture. There are so many things that I can't even name them all but: she never greets me or says "hi" and always waits for me to say it, she won't walk with me in the halls and instead will walk fast to get in front of me, she refuses to give me eye contact when we're talking, she always has her arms crossed and never wants to associate with me in front of other people. She also says weird things sometimes like she calls me "little mae" as a sort of nickname, she jokes that I need to hold someone's hand while crossing the street and that my mommy has to make my lunch for me (as if I'm not capable of doing it myself), she always does this thing where if I say something really basic like "wow the car's really dirty, I need to go get it washed." she'll be like "well NORMAL people get a bucket and wash it themselves!" or "NO ONE gets their car washed, EVERYONE gets a bucket and washes it themselves!" (as if she's talked to absolutely everyone in the world and i'm this freak who never talks to anyone and doesn't know anything. she does this ALL the time!). Or I'll say that I like something and she'll say "I hate that." and walk away and then the next period, another girl will say she likes that SAME thing and suddenly my "best friend" says "oh my gosh, me too!" and smiles and laughs.

If I say that I really like a new shirt that I bought, she'll say something like "Do you think you look pretty in that?" or ask kind of degrading questions that I don't know how to answer. She also has really weird hangups about food and often makes comments about how I'm going to get fat if I keep eating certain things (I have a bmi of 19, and don't look very plump). She always makes fun of me for having small boobs (she has DD's and is bigger boned than me) and sometimes I pretend to laugh along while she insults me (I hate it when I do but I just don't want to cause a fight!).

A few days ago, we accidentally wore the same sweater to school and she asked me to call my mom to have her bring me a change of clothes, when I said no because my mom is busy just like her parents and why should I have to change and it's not the end of the world anyways, she told me that she couldn't sit by me in any of our classes and excluded me for the rest of the day. It feels like she'll find anyone to talk to or sit by besides me, she even turns her head away from me so she doesn't have to talk or look at me. Sometimes, we'll go almost an entire day without talking (we have 3 classes together). I guess I must have just made excuses for her (oh, she's just having a bad day, she's just tired, pms-ing, she's not being intentionally hurtful...) but now that I stop to think about it, I am amazed that I've been able to last this long. She says that she's my best friend, and she really can make me feel like a million dollars some days (or I wouldn't still stick around and try to make it work), but I'm always on edge. I'm always wondering if this is going to be a "good day" or a "bad day" and always asking myself what I did wrong or what I can do to make her happier or make her laugh to put her in a good mood. I'm not even living for me anymore, I'm living to please someone that, I'm starting to realize, can't be pleased.

But now I don't know what to do, I've just become so isolated over the years: I sit alone in an empty room with just her at lunch and I'm so scared that I won't have any friends and will be completely alone and even more unhappy if I leave her, but this sick little game that she plays is not okay. I know I'm not a freak, the way she treats me, it's hard to believe that I don't have some kind of contagious disease, but I know that I'm not completely socially retarded. I'm suffocating. Please help me!

Answer 1

Start joining clubs or find groups of people who have the same interest as you. You don't need to hang around people who are verbally abusive. Simply tell her you don't want to be friends with her anymore and cut her out completely. Get involved in other activities that interest you and you will meet other folks who are more like you. Now that you see what this supposed friendship is doing to you, you need to cut it out. The fear you are feeling is normal. You just need to "feel the fear and do it anyway" You will feel so much better and you will start to see more opportunities out there exists for you than you realize. It is better to be alone and seek out good friends then be with someone that makes you feel bad and depressed about yourself. Start getting involved in things and groups that interest you and before you know it, your self esteem will grow and you will see that you never needed her in the first place.

Answer 2

This question is long so I'm going to follow the order that you wrote it in.

Popular people are not always the best people to be around.

When people that love you like family disapprove of people it is best to listen to them or take their advice into consideration.

It sounds like she is jealous of you and wants to degrade you.



The most important thing you need to do is lose the fear of being alone. "Better alone than in bad company" anon.

Once you realize that being alone gives you strength and can make you happier than being in a bad situation then you can leave her.



Sit down with her and let her know how you feel. Finish the conversation with letting her know that you will no longer be requiring her services as a friend and that it is best if you two go your separate ways. If you are kind and open eventually you will find another friend but be strong in the meantime.



Another answerer mentioned getting involved in activities and that is an amazing way to make friends. Volunteer, pursue your social hobbies like taking a dance or art class. Be kind to people and friends will find you. Good luck, you sound intelligent and sweet so I'm sure you will have real friends in no time:)

Answer 3

The other answers have been very helpful. I'll just add that in life there'll be people you don't enjoy spending time with, and it won't be their fault, or your fault. You have the right not to spend time with these people. Whether your friend is doing it on purpose, or by accident, or not even doing it at all, if you don't enjoy your time with her then you have the right not to see her.



Also, sometimes having a "good day" and sometimes a "bad day" causes the same type of compulsion that we see in gambling addicts. They keep going back to the slot machine because sometimes it's a "good day", and they end up ruined. Recognise that this is an unhealthy pattern and get out.

Answer 4

She is not confident in herself at all. She's abusing your "friendship." I've seen these situations before but I would NEVER EVER EVER let someone treat me this way. I'm not trying to be mean, quite the opposite. I really wish I knew a good way to help you out here because I hate for that to happen to anyone. But I mean this in the nicest way possible: grow a back bone and call her out. Stick up for yourself, and hey, give her a taste of her own medicine if you want. Insult her appearance, intellectual capabilities, etc. She deserves it. And if worse comes to worse, kick her ***. She sounds like she's just a bitter, jealous, unpleasant *****. These are the things I would do to her. I really hope I helped you sweetie. I know it has to be a tough situation and I really do wish I could help you a lot more :)

Answer 5

First don't plan on finishing your self. Why? Are the matters he is taking extra major than you? No. Is your task extra major than you? No. is your vehicle extra major? No.You don't ought to paintings in a opposed atmosphere. Speak along with your boss. Be sincere and insist whatever be performed. It is his task to look to that, or appear for a different task. Do now not permit any person else dictate the way you consider approximately your self or what your existence is valued at. Only you're entitled to try this.

Answer 6

Well if you know what you have to do, you will feel really good once you do it - even though you have no idea what will happen next.



We all have those moments when we need to show a little courage - but you are not lost without her. Suddenly you may get new friends, maybe a boyfriend, or maybe you'll just start by discovering that you can stand on your own two beautiful feet.