How do you manage anger?

Question

I have a quite emotional personality and it shows. As part of my work, I supervise medical (mostly) and biology diploma students, as well as PhD students, while working in our lab. I have problems with one of my medical students at the moment because I can tell that he is not interested and does not put enough attention in what he does. As a consequence, he makes loads of mistakes, which affect my work, as well as his own, because he tends to use my reagents... Thing is, I would like to be able to take all this not in such a personal way, but I get quite agitated and annoyed. I think I would live better, if I manage to stay calmer. Any suggestions?

Thanks
p.s I have a position of "some" authority, as I am a "senior" researcher but not the boss of the lab.

Answer 1

I sympathise with you. It also doesn't help when people tell you that you're (over)sensitive and need to 'deal with it' when I feel and express concern about a particular student. When I feel like this (often but I 'sit on it', in order to avoid 'making a scene' and 'keeping control of the situation'), the first thing I do is remind myself that I have every right to feel this way and it's because I'm a caring and hard-working person who wants to do well and wants my students to do well because I know how hard it will be for the student later on unless they get things right now. The second thing that I remind myself of (and this isn't arrogant) is that:



1. I've got what this student needs-An A-level/degree/masters/doctorate etc (depending on the course I'm teaching) and the student is there to learn from your knowledge and your experience.



2. Regardless of what the student does, I will still get paid just for turning up. The student can muck around all lesson, but because I'm in the room, I'll still get paid, so it's not my time or future that the student is wasting but his/her own. Moreover, if I know that I'm doing everything I can to the best of my ability then there's no need to be agitated.



3. I can get a job that I enjoy more easily than the student can because of point 1. This point sounds cruel but helps me to put the situation into perspective and stop blaming myself for the student's problem.



4. It's the student's problem not mine, unless I react to it in a way that I regret (e.g. 'giving the student a piece of my mind in front of the whole class'). Also, it's not possible or my job to make every single student learn and enjoy it as much as I do (if that happens great) but in reality, even if only 1 student feels like this then I've made a huge achievement.



The third thing I do is express/vent my anger in a safe environment. E.g. I let rip about what a so and so the student is in my teaching diary (kept under lock and key of course) afterwards or take a walk etc (in the actual lesson, I might take a deep breath and either excuse myself for a few minutes or get the student in question to leave the room on an errand for a few minutes, in order to give myself some breathing space), then I ask myself why I'm angry. In my case, it's frustration and self-criticism/doubt because I think that it's my fault he/she doesn't want to learn and is mucking about and I'm cross with the student for causing me this problem and cross with myself for being unable to do anything about it. Once I'm aware of this, I think about ways I can deal with it. E.g. I feel better about what I'm teaching if I've prepared the lesson well or tried to do something that I haven't done before or I've had a laugh with the students (I know that your type of course is different to A-Level Psychology, this may not work for you).



Finally, I spend a few minutes thinking (once I've calmed down) about why the student is mucking about. E.g. Is he/she finding the work difficult? Does he/she have problems at home or a demanding job? Is he/she really intersted in the subject or just doing the course to please someone else (e.g. parents)? Does he/she have a learning or behavioural difficulty which makes life harder for them? If I can, I also have a chat with the student (e.g. what do you think of the course? What do you want to do next?) either during the lesson (if possible) or call him/her aside at the end after giving back work? I also talk to other colleagues about the student and ask how the student behaves for them and how they cope?



I hope that this answer helps!

Answer 2

If you can get a handle on the person, your anger will not be important anymore - because it will have disappeared. So the issue is rather about how to manage a poor performer....



Personally, I feel that it is one of the harder things to do when managing people. In these cases - with an aupair, or with a report at work - I try to set out the rules very clearly: writing them down helps me a lot, and I include my "personal" items, such as - "In the morning I am grumpy - allow me my coffee time, before hitting with questions, and I will be able to be more patient" or "this drawer contains my personal belonging, and I appreciate your discretion".



You could make this into a joke with all your students - and he will have to hear it too - you don't have to be the boss - being the supervisor is enough to be able to lay the rules. Remember that often authority is more the matter of who takes it (i.e. has the guts to take it), than of who has it...



One more line: your student sounds a bit like a royal p.i.a., but perhaps if you find what makes him tick, he will be good at it! and you both would win. Sometimes the best approach is "divide and conquer", if you cannot win with him, send him as a help to another collegue...

Answer 3

Is this medical student an MD/PhD student or is he just going through the technicality part of the program? We have a practicing MD here involved in research who will ask for my help on things because, despite the fact that she is very well trained, she is better suited for treating patients than for conducting research. She is rushed, stressed, has a million things on her mind and also has no interest in learning the simplest procedures. Instead, she tends to take the easy way out. Fact is your emotions are dependent on him and unfortunately if he messes with your reagents, so is your reputation. I don't believe I have an answer for how to stay calmer (because largely this isn't your fault), but I would just suggest that you personally aliquot him out the reagents he uses most frequently or the ones that you can't afford to have contaminated. I know it's a lot of work but it saved our lab a TON of worry during grad school when we had a hard working, but manually declined technician. I heard the counting 1-10 technique can work for alleviating stress but I haven't had any luck with it. Alcohol works, but not in a laboratory setting ;) Good luck.

Answer 4

Ok...this is going to be easier said than done but probably you could try and be assertive with him... tell him how things he's doing is affecting you in terms of I messages. Basically, don't just blame him coz he is just bound to get defensive but rather say how when he makes mistakes you feel upset coz it affects your work as well. Maybe he hasn't realised that (just how some ppl can miss the obvious!) and knowing that it's affecting your work may make him a bit more responsible!



The other thing you could do if you want to avoid confrontation is something called 'Centring' wherein you take in deep breaths focusing on the core of your stomach...it requires a lot of practise at first and then once you are skilled enough you can use it in the presence of others unnoticed. It helps lessen the stress just as any relaxation technique would --- at least temporarily.

Answer 5

It may help you to talk with him. Say, "I noticed you've been making a lot of mistakes and I was wondering if everything is okay with you. Is there anything I can do to help?"



You accomplish a few things here: You defuse your anger because now you're in a helping position. You'll also let him know that you see he's making mistakes and he may try to improve. Your working relationship may improve.

Answer 6

You say listen here muthafer, do it right or get the hell out of my lab and play with this yo-yo. And at this point you would give him a yo-yo.



It seems like he would be better off playing with a yo-yo than working in your lab.



Just a thought.



It also then might be that he has a crush on you. In which case you have to work it for him girlfriend!!!!

Answer 7

In my 12 step fellowship I learned to pray for anyone I have a resentment against. If the problem can be dealt with by bringing it to the students attention and telling him how it is affecting you then this may be the answer too. But in seemingly non-solvable situations I think continual prayer to our Creator for the person is the answer. It does work.

Answer 8

I watched this programme about anger management a while ago and the people had a loose elastic band on their wrists and as soon as they felt any negative feelings building they just gently pulled the band so it flicked back on the wrist and the results were that they kept their anger at bay and dealt with any problems calmly.

Answer 9

i have to tell myself at the time its happening to stay calm and remember i only make a fool of myself when i lose my temper just ignore the student if he wants to fail thats his own fault for not paying attention concerntrateon those who want to learn

Answer 10

You tried talking to him, ignoring him, nothing works....



Hide the reagents. This won't solve the problem, but it might make you feel better...haha!

Answer 11

Just remind yourself from time to time that anger can cause heart problems so to avoid it, dont get angry

Answer 12

just breathe

no one is perfect

you will have to live and co exist with stupid people

and if you keep getting angry

you'll hurt yourself

instead start singing

or laughing

it helps trust me

Answer 13

You let your "title" go to your head. Instead of being a power-hungry troll, try helping somebody as a friend. I am very thankful I don't know you.

Answer 14

best way is to go to the WC and pleasure yourself. it helps me when i start feeling stressed

Answer 15

try chocolate.