How do you help someone who is too lost to help themselves? SERIOUS ANSWERS ONLY PLEASE.?

Question

A friend that I love like a sister, is stuck in a downward spiral that I don't know how to help her out of. I think she needs a DOCTOR- a PSYCHIATRIST, or something. But I don't even know where to begin looking. I love her. I do- but I'm out of words... I've tried everything i know, said everything I can, and she is still trapped in a lifestyle that will kill her. She almost OD'ed in October. And she has supposedly stopped doing drugs, but she is strippping and still induldging in destructive behavior. I can't turn my back on her completely. We don't hang out anymore, but she's my roommate and it's hard to look away when I see her come home in shambles, and tears. The strip club where she works is trashy, and so are the people. They suck her down deeper into that lifestyle. Please HELP ME HELP HER. We live in LA. Anyone know any good doctors?

Answer 1

Kudos to you for being such a great friend. What you're asking is how to raise the sun for her and, while a noble intention, she likely would not see the sun if you could. Instead, how can you shine a little spotlight on her and see if she wants to reach for the sun?



Here's a thought - it's dramatic, but I personally think drama needs drama. What future look at herself (ala Scrooge) can you show her that will rock her world? A patient in rehab, a lunch with someone who works at rehab, an addict on the street. Something.



When I lived in LA, we took our church's jr high youth group downtown to do mission work in MacArthur Park. We talked to a guy who's eyes were lit up (cocaine) like the 4th of July. As it turned out, he had a wife and child who lived right in foothills next to our comfortable little Pasadena church.



He said his wife had no idea where he was and didn't know if she cared. We gave him donuts, coffee and listened to his tales while he came down from his high. When we left, he made us a tearful promise to call his wife.



For the kids, they were blown away. They saw downtown LA as far removed from their comfortable homes. To find out that one of their neighbors was down here living on the streets left a memory I doubt they ever forgot. To discover that he had kids their age who didn't know where their Dad is was powerful.



There are some deep scars and emotional voids with your friend. You need to find out if she wants out before you can help her out.



I wish you the best.

Answer 2

This sounds very cold, but it is not your job or place to find her a doctor.



I think if you can talk to her family about what is going on there's the chance they may be able to do something (or not).



There is something in your friend that makes her willing to be "sucked down deeper into that lifestyle". If she didn't lean in that direction nobody could influence her into it. Some people get into this type of downward spiral. Others just don't - no matter what goes on in their lives.



You need to either not let her issues bother you or else you need to talk to her about finding new roommates.



Just because your friend is living a trashy lifestyle it doesn't necessarily mean she needs a psychiatrist. I don't happen to approve of that lifestyle, but when all is said and done, it is her business. One of the lowest things a person can do is to go behind the back of someone else and start calling psychiatrists.



You can talk to your friend or you can move out. It is not your call to start looking for a doctor for her. While her lifestyle may not be the healthiest, the truth is it is her call and very possibly not a sign of anything other than loose morals or weak character (neither of which requires a psychiatrist).

Answer 3

Extreme intervention is perhaps the only way out. this will take untold courage from you, and then you may need to step back and not expect thanks in return.



Are you ready for this? If she has no family that will help, and by that I mean to help gang up on her, give her examples of her behavior and then be able to place her in a hospital to get treatment. All of this done with a doctor present, or expert of some kind. You can open the phone book and start calling people in the medical section. Little by little you will find the way to do this, but start in your community and start by opening the phone book. There are people locally that can help to a degree - but...



If there is no support group, and it sounds like you are the only one that can help, then after talking to the experts, are you ready to take her against her will if you have to, and take her far away until she loses her addiction?



I have intervened before. Both drastic and hard - but both succesful in the end. Again, it takes all you can do, and then some, but if you don't then you will not sleep the rest of your life. There is some reason you were chosen for this task.

Answer 4

Have you tried asking her to go see a psychiatrist? Your family and her family needs to get together and help her get out of the cycle of this destructive lifestyle. Someone must know where she is at all times. At first she may not be happy with her being watched like a baby, but she needs the supervision so she can't do drugs, go out and strip, etc. You may want to consider checking her into a rehab clinic, and you should definately look up some in your area. In the end, when her life is better, she will thank you. You are a good friend for being concerned about her, and you should let her know that. The best of luck to you.

Answer 5

Sometimes, it is not the best idea to suggest a doctor, I have and it is truely not always the thing to do. People can get defensive and the whole plan backfires. I think that if someone has lost themselves, all you can do is be supportive and guide her. Sadly, the only person right now that can help her is herself. She needs to find herself as hard as it is. It seems as if there are heavy issues and as a friend you want the best. The best thing i think would be to tell her how you feel, how it hurts to see her like this, and how much you love her. The greatest medicine is love and support, and you can definitely give it to her. It may seem like you have said all there needs to be said, but I dont think this is true. If you love her, truely love her, you have to keep doing it and eventually your hard work willl pay off. If you think you are out of words and dont know what to say, maybe you should separate yourself from the situation. It seems like you want to help though, so you should keep trying. Best wishes :]

Answer 6

Oh wow...I'm so sorry. That's gotta be tough. She's obviously going through a tough time right now, and you need to be there for her. You said that you don't hang out anymore, and maybe you should. Maybe you could hang out with her a lot and show her what a happy life is like. Try to get her to stop working at the strip club, make sure she's not doing drugs. If she continues this way, she WILL die. Sooner than most people. For her own safety and your happiness, take care of her.



Good luck!

Answer 7

I have had a couple of people in my life like this. I have learned that you can not fix people. No matter how much you care. They have to want to do it for themselves. If she is stripping and has had a drug problem in the past it is not a good sign. There is too much access to liquor and drugs there and it sounds like she does not have a whole lot of willpower...So most likely she is doing drugs again too.



That said...It was so hard for me to learn this and follow through but there are some people that you have to cut out of your life. Unfortunately some people like the cycle of turmoil in their lives...the attention that it brings...and they will always make the wrong decision when faced with options. This type of person will eventually suck you dry...There is only so much you can give and take care of yourself...



You walking out of her life, especially if you tell her why, may prompt her to assess what she is doing and make a change.



I know this answer is tough to swallow but you probably need to move on. Hopefully she will come to her senses, clean up her life, and maybe then you can re-build a friendship.

Answer 8

You've probably done this already, but give her a hug and tell her how much she means to you. Chances are you've tried to get her out and she either won't listen or is being sucked into this lifestyle without her own consent- What you really need to do is get in touch with her parents or a teacher, even your parents or your teacher may be able to help. Find someone you trust who has the most power to make her. (This seems like it will be harder since you're in, what, college?) Do your best to make her know you care and that other people care.

Answer 9

I take the ‘you can’t help her – you can only help yourself’ position.



Many people find that they mature, grow, and evolve, etc. much more from the lessons learned by making mistakes than during the good times when everything is going well.



You have to care enough about a person to let them get hurt.



For example; My uncle simply could not stand the thought of his son going to a juvenile detention facility, so time after time he bailed the kid out and paid the cost to keep him out of ‘kiddy jail.’



Since the kid never had to experience the ramifications of his actions, he continued to misbehave, and naturally, his behavior progressively became more inappropriate.



Theory:

My uncle perceived his actions to be an expression of love and concern for his son.



Reality:

The child was protected from ‘suffering’, (being punished), which prevented him from learning and becoming a better person, because my uncle was selfish. He would not let the kid get hurt, because it made him feel bad to think about it.



Making mistakes and paying the price builds character.

Answer 10

I understand your love for your friend, but all you can do is try to help her, you cannot make the decision for her, she has to want to change her life.

Just realize that a time comes when you need to step back, or else you become an enabler, which actually encourages this behavior to continue. Enablers don't help the situation, they make it worse despite their best intentions. Even if she won't talk to a qualified professional, maybe you should, to find out what your best plan of action is because this situation is hurtful to you too.

Answer 11

It is very difficult to get the person off the "drug" of easy money in stripping business. Most likely, you'd have to wait for some shockingly painful event that would shake her out of it (like another OD or a sexual assault)



Try to get her a different job, and a peer group that would encourage her in this new life, but do not demand total and instant makeover. Silly as it sounds, a church (with moderate views) might be the solution.



Or ask local hospital about drug rehabilitation programs.

Answer 12

It's called an intervention. Chances are she's past the point of your lecturing having any effect on her. Get a social worker, a member of her family, or at least some good friends to talk to her when sober and get her in a good in-patient program. Her being a stripper doesn't help, it's the one job she won't lose for doing drugs but the other way around. Good luck to both of you.

Answer 13

In all honestly, you can't. They have to want to help themselves first!



You can do an intervention, but she can always pretend to give up her addictions and keep doing it in secret to make you and others leave her alone.



The only thing you can do is talk to her and tell her you are tired of seeing her in this state. She will have to really work on the majority of it herself. Its her addiction. You can be supportive and lend her an ear, but that is about it.



I'm not trying to be a 'downer", but I've talked to a therapist about friends and family members who have similar problems. She has told me that these people can't be saved. You can only talk to them and see if they are willing to get help. If they aren't, there is really nothing you can do about it.



OH... and finally, you should talk to a therapist about YOU. You probably have or will have some guilt associated with not being able to "save" her or help her be happy. You shouldn't. Either check out a therapist to talk to about the feelings you are having about this or check out the book "Women Who Love Too Much"... or both!!!

Answer 14

Call your nearby hospital for the local rehabilitation program. Now unfortunately, this only work if the person wants it to quit destructive behavoir. I know it's hard, but people have to follow their own path. If you can't reason with them, then all you can do it help them go the path they want to follow.

Your last option...would be to turn you friend into the authorities for any illegal activity. When imprisoned, inmates are surpervised and counseled, regardless of their desire.

Answer 15

giving someone a new look at themselves is not an easy thing to do if she wants help she will get it but not before they say you can drag a horse to water but u can't make them drink she has to be the one to bottom out and decide if it is going to be over for her or she is going get her stuff together and get out from under her cloud of self loathing..... continue to be a Friend all you want just don't get in so deep you can't pull away if she flushes her life down the toilet you don't need to go there kudos to you for trying thought ....all too often no one wants to get involved .... new job first stay clean along with that then more self esteem then major change but only if it is in her heart to do so. good luck

Answer 16

First of all, someone in her condition needs to be Committed to an institution such as a Rehab Facility.



Many states have a "Baker Act" where tow consulting adults can have one committed. Check you state laws.



Your sister is suffering from a Non-Identity meaning that she has lost her identity as your sister or as a member of your family.



Perhaps in your area, you may find some Church in your area that has such a Rehab Program. Depending on the size of your area, you may have to spend a day or two in the Yellow Pages and Phoning Churches and Rehab Facilities!



Thanks, RR

Answer 17

If this is a genuine crisis situation, you are seeking help in the wrong place. Don't wait for answers from a website (no offence Yahoo answers!) If I'm reading this right, you are her only true friend? Her current state of mind may mean you need support from health professionals to forcibly remove her from her current living arrangements and lifestyle choices. She is no longer able to think rationally for herself. I pray that a vacancy exists for her in a drug rehab or mental health in your area.

I have great respect for Dr Phil McGraw - would his website or your on-line telephone directory have listings for such places?

Contact your local church, synagogue, mosque, temple, Salvation Army - their community contacts are just as valuable and if they are true to their creeds, they will help you.

Answer 18

I had the same situation with a very close friend. I had to tell her how I felt, which was I had to stay away because her downward spiral was either going to suck me in too or I was going to have to watch her destroy herself. And I wanted neither. She wouldn't listen to me and I found that you can't help a person who won't help themselves. It's up to her. My friend pulled herself up after all her friends abandoned her. It's called tough love.

Answer 19

I'm just going through this with one of my very close friends. I told a guidande counselor at school about her problems, in hope that they would help her. My friend is now very mad at me and claims that she has no problems. I hope this is just a stage and that she will come out of denial. [It's just hard to tell if she's even in denial -- maybe she doesn't have a problem after all.]



Good luck!

Answer 20

You can call MHMRA in your local area to get services free or on a sliding scale.



Also, I watch a tv program called "Intervention" that airs on A&E and it deals with people like yourself trying to help someone with an addiction. The link to their website to get help is:



http://www.aetv.com/intervention/int_participate.jsp



I wish you the best of luck and hope your friend gets help. She is lucky to have someone such as yourself that cares.

Answer 21

Go to a doctor.

Answer 22

Part of growing up is realizing what you can and can not do.



You can only help yourself and she can only help herself.

Answer 23

Talk to her family and plan an intervention.

Answer 24

go talk to your school guidance councilor and try to get Ur friend to go with and they can call in people to help.

good luck