What's wrong with me, what will my psychiatrist do/think when I hand them this outline before we start?

Question

Sorry for the mess; it's difficult for me to organize these thoughts.

This will be my 5th year attending *a community college* (starting Fall 2011). I'm scared and ashamed to see the academic counselor because of my crappy record (scattered F's in odd subjects I dread to retake and a GPA of ~2.1). I feel more and more like a sore thumb in my classes because everyone is fresh out of high school and I am the only twenty-something year old (I;m 22 years old). And to top it off, my parents think I will be transferring to a *a university* this year and that I have a GPA of 3.0+ .

I feel trapped, scared, lonely, wasteful, awful, ashamed, and eager.

My problems go much deeper, all the way back to elementary school; I never opened up to anyone or had any close friends - ever. I've always been the quite kid and the loner. I hate acting out or moving about in public because in my head I imagine a giant arena with me at the center and everyone else occupying the seats talking amongst themselves about me, the freak show or odd ball. I feel awkward in public, don't know what to do with my arms, and feel naked without my backpack. I had a stuttering problem when I was younger, and still do, though very mild, to this day.

All this baggage makes it hard for me to participate in class (I always sit at the back), turn in my work or clarify something with the professor, and meet new people because I don't want them to know about the loser/hermit side of me.

I don't know how to be free or take advantage of things. I feel trapped in my room and the routine I've now been doing for 5 years: walking to the bus stop, catching the bus to take me to school, sitting in the library killing time before making my way to class (I dread waiting outside the class with everyone because people get to know you faster). I feel like I've wasted my life going to *a community college*. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. The only subject I've progressed in and feel proud of is math (I started in pre-algebra and now have finished the three calculus courses).

I want to be like that kid who is calm/care-free, wears flip flops, has a smartphone with friends to talk to – browses facebook, has a girlfriend, has a part-time job, is on the right track academically and getting ready to transfer to a *a university** school.

I feel like I have so much potential but don't know how to harness it. I don't know where to begin, how to open up and act.

Maybe school isn't for me. I've always seen myself as an autodidact. Right now I have so many books I'd love to read (C++ Primer Plus, Blender 2.5 Materials and Textures, Learning Python, Moby Dick) and things I'd love to be doing (practicing my fingering on my Celviano, buy and oboe or bassoon and learn to play it, and going to the gym) but with all this random (I feel it's random) class work I have no time, and when I do have time, thinking about my past and academic progress makes me feel like crap, like I don’t deserve this free time (I want to start with a blank slate). I don't want to become homeless. I want to become independent, stop being nervous all the time, have a clear mind, build/make things, learn, and have friends.

I'm scared to open up because it means having to act differently afterwards all the time, also the embarrassment that comes with it when my family finds out and anyone who recognizes me/knows me sees me acting differently.

I’ve never done drugs (chemical/substance drugs), but I do spend a lot of time on the computer and internet. When I was younger (in grade school) I was very much addicted to video games; I would avoid going out with my parents because of wanting to stay home and play all day. The digital world was more interesting than real life. The only kids I would talk to in school were the ones who played video games. They sort of became my friends, but all we would talk about was video games – it was the only thing I knew what to talk about. This tactic of making friends (finding the nerdy group of people who played nothing but video games) slowly faded as I progressed through grade school, high school, and college – there were fewer of them, and the ones that did exist had more things in life to be preoccupied with than just video games.
I believe this is what made me who I am today.
I am no longer addicted to video games today because I’ve seen it all, they all feel the same – I see them for what they are: vertices, edges, meshes, polygons, pixels, functions waiting to be called, etc…

Answer 1

Let me start off by saying that you don't sounds sound like an idiot or a failure to me. I get the impression of a decent but socially awkward and insecure guy. You sound a lot more intelligent, thought full and coherent than many others on the net. On this website, even.



You've tried running from life, by receding into your own world, and now you find that you're stuck there but can't stay there. You've reached the point where you no longer know where to go. It's good that you are going to a school counselor. I do believe you need some help in learning how to be around other people.



My big question while reading this was: why is this guy studying? Don't get me wrong, education is good. I'm a student myself. But are you doing this for yourself? Because it sounds to me like you're doing this to please your parents, or because it is expected. However, there is no shame in not having a degree. I have a good friend who is highly intelligent, and who kept mucking up his schoolwork, so now he works as a journalist, with nothing more than a High School diploma. Is it a shame? Maybe, but he's happy. Isn't that more important? Perhaps, if studying makes you this unhappy, you should think about quitting. Start doing things you want, because you want it. I've once gotten the advice never to read a book that I wasn't interested in, because that would only waste my time (by a professor too!). I didn't take that advice too seriously at the time, but perhaps there's merit in it after all.



Also, confide in your parents. Yes, they will probably be slightly disappointed, but I highly doubt they'll think your education is more important than your happiness. And besides, maybe by telling them, you'll feel a weight lift off your shoulders, and you'll feel happier already.



It's been said before me, but a change of scenery is good. Do make sure you don't stay inside though. Go out. Go to the gym, and talk to the staff there. Sign up for a course you've always been wanting to do. Talk to your neighbors. Slowly, you will start building your own network of people you're comfortable with.



Good luck on your future endeavors!

Answer 2

Watch Steve Jobs graduation address to Stanford students. He dropped out of university and just started going to classes that interested him. I would suggest you stop taking classes "that will lead to a degree" and begin taking classes that interest you. Your grades and enjoyment will go up.



And even if you don't need the money, you should get a job that will get you out of the house and away from the computer...anything. You will begin to meet more people and broaden your circle of friends. Social interaction, like everything, gets better with practice.



Then channel your internet time into something productive: inspirational videos, online open classes (Yale has a bunch for free), www.ted.com (fabulous 20 minute lectures on just about everything), creating a website of useful links. You could limit your access to non-productive computer time, by moving your computer into a public space, dropping your internet access at home, setting a time limit on games, etc.



I think your problems are quite typical for this new and LESS interactive computer age. You will need to be proactive to break this five year addiction to bad habits.



You need to be less introspective, and begin to get outside your own world, and see what you can do to help others...that is where real life is, when we connect with others. You should spend a part of each week or even each day helping someone...volunteering, visiting, practicing kindness.

Answer 3

Good boy - you want to get this written out - and keep a copy - give a copy to the doctor. It's too long for me to read through - and it's none of my business. But this is the way you do the work - carefully and slow with lots of notes. Slowly consciousness is changed as new ideas grow. It's a neat process - it takes a while though.



So good luck.

Answer 4

you have to move on and forget about the past and start new, as you said you want to start new. the psychiatrist will try to help you. don't worry what people say or think about you, just be yourself. i also try not to get close to people, and not open up. believe in yourself and start new. your parents will be fine when they find out the truth, they might flip a little but they will be fine. you got this :D