How can you help an alcoholic that won't help themselves?

Question

How can you help an alcoholic that won't help themselves? Many will say that you often times have to hit rock-bottom to have the want to work yourself back up. But, what exactly is rock-bottom. To a 45 year old mother of 2, grandmother of 1, you would think that getting arrested 5 times in the past year, having 3 DUI's in the past 3 months, spending a night in jail, going to 45+ AA classes, having your 17 year old daughter move out, and being physically abused by your alcoholic "boyfriend" THAT would be rock bottom. But, apparantly it is not.... or my mother has completely lost her mind.

In any event. How can you even begin to help an alcoholic that won't help themselves? Or, for that matter, doesn't care to?

Answer 1

Wow. For starters, this person has one good thing in his/her corner -- you. And while it's mostly true that you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves, you can certainly make a difference. For instance, I smoked for ten years and had a pretty serious habit. I didn't really want to quit, but my hubby's constant concern was an instigator for my decision to finally put them down. He stood by and never criticized me, but always let me know that he was concerned for my health and willing to support me through quitting whenever I was ready to do it. When I did get around to quitting, he gave up something with me, kept me busy and distracted, and became my number one cheerleader. People have all kinds of reasons for addictive behavior; the very best help you can be is to discover those needs and help resolve the problem at the root. Be a friend, but not an enabler. Choose to go to alcohol-free places when you go out, provide positive distractions, and encourage/support your friend when he/she finally seeks help.



Hope this helps,

~Tia~



Here's some other resources:

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Foote1.html

http://www.prnewsnow.com/PR%20News%20Releases/Industry%20Specific/Healthcare/How%20to%20Help%20an%20Alcoholic

http://www.bucknell.edu/About_Bucknell/Offices_Resources/Health_Services/How_To_Help_A_Friend/How_To_Help_A_Friend_With_a_Drinking_Problem.html

Answer 2

INTERVENTION FIRST. BUT DONT SHOW ANY HOSTILELY THAT WILL ONLY MAKE THEM WANT TO GO AND GET A DRINK. SHOW LOVE, GIVE THEM EXAMPLES ON HOW LIFE WAS ONCE WAS BEFORE DRINKING CAME INTO PLAY. WHY DONT YOU FIND SOME OUTREACH PROGRAMS. WE USED TO TAKE OUR PATIENTS TO THE CORONER OFFICE TO SHOW DEAD ALCOHOLICS AND DISEASED LIVERS FROM DRINKING. I GET THEM WHEN THEY HAVE HIT ROCK BOTTOM AND BEGGING FOR HELP.

Answer 3

WELL IFU REALLY WANT TO HELP[ HER UR 17 RIGHT CALL CPS AND TELL THEM WHATS GOING ON AND MAYBE THEY CAN HELP HER I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY ABOUT THAT HUNNY BUT UR RIGHT YOU CANT HELP ONE IF THEY DONT HELP THEM SELF OK SO GO TO CPS

Answer 4

Firstly ethanol itself (the active drug in alcoholic beverages) is a diuretic by inhibiting the secretion of ADH (Anti-diuretic hormone) the effect of this is to cause more water to be taken out of the blood during each pass though the kidney, combine that with the increased mount of water generally being consumed (most alcoholic beverages are mostly water) and the inability of intoxicated persons to tell when they need to go sometimes and this problem can result.

Answer 5

Yes I agree with what's been said

Answer 6

rock bottom isn't objective, it's a subjective viewpoint, that is to say each person's rock bottom is different from someone else's. Sounds like this person is hitting the description of where this leads...prison, insanity, death. Before he gets to that point, consider an intervention because it doesn't seem like AA helped. I believe that one of the tenets of that program is a desire to stop drinking. If the individual lacks that desire, then it is really sad. Consider Al-Anon for friends and family of alcoholics. You may find some great suggestions and comfort. You aren't alone, there are millions of alcoholics out there. Take a look for your local AA hotline number in your state/town. That's a beginning. ANd probably can provide info on how to organize and effectively utilize an intervention. Best of luck.

Answer 7

Have an intervention and get everyone that knows her to tell her they won't talk to her ever again until she's clean and sober. If that doesn't work, she's lost. There's always hope, but some people just never make it back from addiction. It's really sad. Sorry....

Answer 8

I understand your frustration, but unfortunately everyone's bottom is different. Best thing is to not enable her, the more she is cut off from her friends the sooner it may happen. You probably won't have to worry about her for much longer, with 3 DUI's she will definitely get jail time. Maybe the reality of no freedom will convince her to get help.

It really isn't enough to just attend meetings she needs to get a sponser and work the steps of a 12 step program. Court ordered attendance rarely works.

Answer 9

you can not help anyone that doesn't want to be helped. Rock bottom is different for Every one. Its sounds like she doesn't even want help. But there is a pill out there that a person can take and if they drink while taking this pill it will make you so sick you will never want to drink again. trust me I know. And there is Alcoholics Anonymous and other support groups out there. Good luck

Answer 10

You really can't help them if they don't want help.My ex wife is a severe alcoholic.She has 3 children that have been removed from her custody because of her drinking,still she continues to do it on a daily basis.She chooses to live that way and denies that she has a problem . It,s unfortunate,especially where the children are involved.

Answer 11

you are wasting your time if she don't care and she wont help her self then you or no one else can help her and if she is allowing some drunk to abuse her child she don't need help she needs jail time not just a night or 2 and that boyfriend also needs to be in jail ,your mom needs to grow up

Answer 12

I was married for 32 years to an alcoholic who would not help himself,I'm sorry to say that until he hits bottom there is nothing you can do.As for your child say prayers,love will not help..nor change the alcoholic. It is lika cancer,a disease that love will not make go away

Answer 13

Unluckly if she/he doesn't understand that what he/she is doing isn't healthy for his/her body and for the people around her/him, you are not going to be able to help. An alcoholic person or a drug abuse person needs to find help for themselves if they really wat to be cure. That's is not a good answer i know, but is the truth.

Answer 14

The saddest thing about a disease like that...you can't help them. An addict needs to want to help themselves. Love your mother, but don't aid or abet her and pray for her. Talk to her about it as often as you can.

Go to Al-Anon for yourself. You need to learn to deal with her disease, and learn that, really, it's not your job to save her.

Answer 15

I'm curious too

Answer 16

Alcoholism is a disease, unfortunately the symptoms are emotion, financial, physical, and interpersonal wreckage. You say that this women is an alcoholic, but has she come to believe this herself. Alcoholism is a disease that must be self diagnosed, until this women admits to herself that she has no control over her alcoholism and that her life is unmanageable; little can be done.

Every Alcoholic has a different bottom, some can drink briefly have a few some unpleasant experiences and realize they cannot drink like their fellows, other have to loss everything and wake up in a gutter for years before they are ready to admit defeat. However many in situations such as yourself are able to "manufacture" bottoms in the form of an intervention. If you are unfamiliar; basically a group of friends and family gather together and confront the alcoholic in a non-aggressive way, in an attempt to show the alcoholic how their behavior has affected and harmed their lives. If successful the alcoholic may seek treatment or AA, if not you must set strict boundaries with yourself as to how much you are willing to participate in the alcoholic's life. I would recommend you go to a Al-anon meeting and ask some questions from the people who may have some direct experience with your situation. Good luck.

Answer 17

if you wittiness this and they still don't want too change then let them make there own decisionsone day it will catch up with them

Answer 18

You can't help her. You can only help yourself. Help yourself and your siblings by going to Al Anon. You need to have the support of people in the same situation in order to be able to deal with her problem. Keep in mind that regardless of the fact that she is your mother and you love her, she has chosen this path and you can't force her to un-choose it.



Please go to Al-Anon, or talk to your priest, a close friend, or someone that you can trust and that you know will always be there to lean on, and get through this for the sake of yourself, your family, and ultimately your mother.



Good luck to you.

Answer 19

you can't. Just be there for her. She will make her own choices.

Answer 20

There is a tried and true suggestion. Do nothing and wait. There is nothing you can do for someone that is not ready to help themselves

Answer 21

No u cant. all u can do is love them and hope that sooner rather than later that they will help themselves. For u i suggest u check out Alan-on. This is a place for ppl who have loved ones who are alcholics. Good Luck

Answer 22

Well although this is a hard experience for you to go through Al Anon is a great place to start. Go through some of the meetings. You need them as much as she does and these are for victims of alcoholics and you can even go to an AA meeting. I am a recoveree of drugs and alcohol and to meditate I will go to these meetings one to show those who are trying to fight it what they can become and to inspire them they need you too. They can help you and maybe one of them can help her. Sometimes it takes a stranger intervening. Go to the next local meeting and stand up and share these exact words with the group. Trust me you will get tremendous support and answers. The main thing is DONT GIVE UP. GOOD LUCK. PRAY PRAY PRAY supervsks my messenger if you need to use it feel free.

Answer 23

Unfortunately, the sad thing is.....The first step to help the disease, is for the alcoholic to admit they have a problem...and hopefully they want to change for themselves.



For you though, I would keep voicing your concerns to your mother and explain how you seen her as you were growing up...and ask her if she wants her grandchild to see that life as well?



But really the alcoholic has got to want the change themselves. My dad is a severe alcoholic: Has liver cancer and Hep C. Though he does not change. Doctor gave him 6 months to live 2 years ago. He is still alive, but continues to abuse his body. I am also an alcoholic; but after my first DUI and seeing my 9 year old (now 12) daughter in tears every night, I decided to change. And what a better life it is.

Answer 24

help yourself and leave. YOU CAN NOT CHANGE THEM.

Answer 25

You can't. It is their life, and if they wish to throw it away, it sucks but that is their choice.

Answer 26

Sadly, you can't!

Answer 27

There is nothing you can really do to help them recover. They have to want to stop deep down inside. It will not work if you try to pressuer them to quit.

Answer 28

As a NA member with almost 2 years clean, after 32 years of active addiction, I have attended 493 meetings as of today. I have seen countless people in various stages of recovery, and the person that you described is unfortunately the norm. While there are millions of people around the world who are clean today there are countless others who are hitting bottom after bottom and even death. No one can make another one want to get clean. I came into the program to save my job and realized it was actually about saving my rear end. She has too many people, places, and things around her that support her using. She hasn't accepted the suggestions that I know she is hearing from people in AA. Checking her into a rehab is your only option but she still would have to go willingly. If she does decide to go or not, she needs your understanding, love, and patience. Perhaps you could consider a family intervention to get her to go.



P.S. I would like to add my support to the suggestions that other answerers put forth about Al-Anon. That would be a great way to go along with her. You can do that as well in AA or NA as long as they are "open" meetings.

Answer 29

God helps those that help themselves

Answer 30

whenever I ask a question, even if it is the easiest one, nobody can give me a proper informed answer . wtf happened to people who really make the effort to answer..

Answer 31

you cant

Answer 32

Sadly most alcoholics will die from alcoholism. The most you can do for one is not enable them and allow them to feel the pain of their drinking. The only real bottom is death. For an alcoholic to want to stop, they have to decide for themselves when enough is enough.



The best time to talk to them about their drinking is when they are sober (preferably feeling bad or hung over) otherwise it is difficult for them hear any advice or suggestion. When you take the water out of alcohol you basically have ether - that is what they use to knock you out for operations. Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant. When a person drinks they gradually become sedated and any interaction they have with others is as if they are in the dream state - part of their brain is literally unconscious... and it is unrealistic to expect being able to get threw to them.



If you are affected by the drinking of someone or want more information go to Al-Anon family groups. They are a fellowship of men and women who have experience with dealing with alcoholics. There is also al-ateen for teens with an alcoholic in their life.



Treatment programs for alcoholism can be helpful, however they are only beneficial for people who want to stop drinking. Treatment centers can provide a safe place for people to go threw the physical and psychological symptoms of withdrawal but in the end (if they are any good) they will just point the person toward Alcoholics Anonymous. If drugs are involved the person may feel more comfortable attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings than AA. Some treatment programs provide information/support for "interventions" and they can guide you on how to get someone into treatment.



AA is still the best there is for treating alcoholism, but they can't force someone to do it against there will... the desire to stop has to be there. Al-anon will help with dealing with the alcoholic (sober or drunk) and can provide a lot of incite to the thinking and behaviors of the alcoholic.



An alcoholic is someone who has a physical allergy to alcohol - there response to alcohol is to crave it even more. For the alcoholic the only thing that works is total abstinence - an alcoholic never regains their ability to "control" their drinking. There is no "cure".



Perhaps one option is to invite your mother to attend Al-anon with you - for her alcoholic boyfriend. In AA they call that coming in threw the back door.



Best wishes.

Answer 33

Like the first poster said (sadly), you can't.



The alcoholic / addict will only change when they see more value in being "clean" that being drunk.



My father was an alcoholic for forty years. Running his family through the wringer didn't change him. Losing his job and having trouble professionally didn't change him. Losing all his friends didn't change him.



(As far as his record goes, he had three DUIs altogether and spent 30 days in jail two years ago for the last one. He was on probation with his driving and had his car "locked" with a breath-tester; the car still does not work right, although the device was eventually removed.)



He just kept drinking more and more until he was completely and perpetually inebriated. While he had been forced to attend AA meetings for quite awhile, he had a rotten attitude and kept pushing people away.



Last fall, he came literally within an inch of death from the drinking and barely made it alive from the hospital. (No kidding. I was shocked and amazed he pulled through, I fully expected to be planning a funeral within the week. He actually stopped breathing when I was with him and had to be "coded.") As it is, his liver is permanently damaged and he needs to be on meds for the rest of his natural lifespan.



Still, apparently the scare of that, coupled with the "discipline" of the hospital environment, was what he needed to want to go clean and stay clean.



He has been clean and sober since then, and there have been some startling and complete changes in his attitudes that suggest the change will be permanent rather than just temporary.



But look what it took. He just didn't want to get better, until he had to face his own death, and then he decided that was it.



What I think? Your mom hasn't lost her mind. Yes, for someone to choose what she is choosing seems completely illogical and insane. But she probably feels "locked" into her drinking and doesn't know how to cope with life any other way. Even if she'd try, she doesn't have the support group or knowledge to succeed (in her mind); and it's just too hard to stick with over the long haul.



I can understand why you're angry at her. (I was angry at my father at all the lies and senseless pain.) At the same time, I can empathize with her and know how hard it will be for her to move out of this place in her life, without a great deal of help.



All you (and others who care about her) can do is be there and be willing to help, if and when she decides it's time to change; and otherwise be willing to let her REALLY hit rock-bottom because she isn't ready to change yet. Keep the communication doors open, without letting her abuse you or use you.



As my father almost did, she might not pull out in time. I'm sorry you have to go through watching that happen. It's hard to know what sort of kindness on your part will "enable" her (bad) vs. being a show of honest compassion that will help her change (good).



Please feel free to contact me via my Yahoo profile page, if you have any questions or just need to dump. You might find some support with Ala-Teen or other similar orgs... if simply to have people around whom you know understand you.