PLEASE HELP - Why doesnt My Mum love me and how can i learn to accept it ?

Question

I'm really desparate for some idea's here please anyone, I wake up most mornings and cry about this.

I'm the eldest of 4 and the only 1 with a different dad, it was just me and my mum until i was 5 years old and then she met my stepdad, had 3 more kids and I just sort of got left behind.
I really don't want to sound like im being a spoiled brat or anything, genuine things have happened throughout my life that have discinctly set me apart from my siblings,
Where do I begin.....
I am given small inexpensive gifts at christmas for example and have to watch the others opening hundreds of pounds worth of lavish products- im not kidding either- how does a JAR OF COFFEE and a DIARY stand up against a photo printer and iphone??? It's not just this - i'm not that shallow, it stems a lot deeper then that, i feel mistreated in every way by my Mother, at age 7 she threatened me into lying to the Social worker about my feelings so that my Stepdad could adopt me, throughout my childhood i was (what most would consider) Viciously mentally bullied by my stepdad, I was overweight as a child and he would shout out my weight to my friends and tell them how smelly i was and things, I truly hated him, whenever i appealed to mum she would brush me off with "stop attention seeking" and stuff.
The only thing that got me through my Childhood was my beloved Grandparents who i would pine for on a monday morning and return to each friday evening after school, My gran is still alive and does not tolerate her daughters behavior toward me, it is a known fact amongst the family that my mother and I have a volatile relationship but only my grandma knows the hardships the relationship has undergone, she bought me shoes when mine were full of holes because my mother had spent the budget on the other kids new outfis, she nurtured me through the injustices and gave me unconditional love which is why I made it to adulthood basically OK and with only a mild marajuana addiction.
Now i'm 34 and instead of things improving they have now hit the rocks, i find out about things such as my sisters wedding planning from facebook, Hearing about each of my siblings being bought driving lessons and foreign trips away by my mother and stepdad while i don't even get a phone call.

I have learned not to raise the issue with my mother or question her motives and unfairness toward me as this causes her to become enraged at me and start accusing me of acting difficultly and causing trouble and she always shouts "I LOVE EACH OF YOU ALL THE SAME WHY CANT YOU ACCEPT THAT" and accuses me of being "JUST jealous of the others" and now accuses me of making things up about my childhood to make her and my stepdad look bad, We've previously stopped talking for years at a time after arguements where i've brought up the subject and asked her directly but i always cave in afterwards and need her at Christmas' and stuff - pathetic i know but she's my Mum and I do sort of still Love her.
I am not making any of this up- my partner has witnessed this first hand and he doesn't even want me to maintain contact with her because he despises my mother's treatment of me and the nasty denial with which she seems to conduct herself.
The problem i have now is that i just want peace with my Mother, I just want her to accept me and treat me equally for once, I know its not a perfect world and we dont get what we want but it's now at the stage where we have spoken twice this year and each time was destructive, first because she didnt turn up to see my new place and said she had forgotten as she was just SOOO busy, I was really upset by this and stopped myself from reminding her of how she was at my sisters new place EVERY NIGHT for the first 3 months when she got her new house,
The second time was when i called maybe 4 months later to see how she was and to talk about my brand new sofa i just got for my brand new house - I got a hostile reception for calling because "I Never know what to expect from you and you're always nasty to me when i speak to you"
The conversation ended with me explaining that she is acting irrationally and that I simply wanted to talk and ask her how she is etc.... she accepted that but the conversation incentive was already destroyed and we hung up without much further dialogue.
So, the questions i have are:
What can I do or say to make her reconsider her feelings towards me and if that's not possible then how do i learn to come to terms with not having a mum when you see how she can be as a mum to your siblings? Should i fight to win my mum or am i blind and can't see that i really am just an unwanted Bastard that should forget her?

Answer 1

I know it's hard when your mother seems to abandon you for a man, and frankly, that is exactly what it sounds like. She chose him over you, and thus his children over you. As much as it hurts, I have to say... don't take it personally. Your mother would have tossed any child under the proverbial bus in this situation. She chose having a mate over having a child. It sounds like HE didn't like you or accept you, and that spilled over to your mother. She did not want to be alone and thus took this man into her life and held on tooth and nail, damn the consequences.



She's been doing this for years. It's all she knows. And, she KNOWS she treats you differently. She is well aware that you had it harder. That's part of the problem. She knows how she acted and she feels badly about it but to admit it or fess up to it is to admit she has been in the wrong for so many years. People are very flawed creatures, and one thing most of us hate more than anything else is being wrong.



I honestly would not expect to have a relationship with her any time soon. Is your step dad still alive and well? I would think that after he passes and she's able to be herself, she might come around.



But it might be a lost cause all around.



Don't take it to heart. Parents can be cruel and heartless, and that is not your fault. She made her choice by choosing the man you didn't approve of, and who didn't approve of you. It snowballed from there. Forgive, let go, and move on, most likely without her.

Answer 2

I really feel for you for i was in a similar situation, i got cbt counselling to help me deal with similar issues and it really turned my life around ,and i have learned to accept my mother for what she is.I think you should see or at least look into talking to a professional as this will really help you to understand why things are as they stand and also it will help you to chanel you anger in a different way, i could write all night but this is about you taking a big step and getting help, i promise it will be the best thing you do ,take care xx

Answer 3

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