Dealing with the ex-wife who has Borderline Personality Disorder?

Question

For the past 7 years it has been a roller coaster. I am the "second wife" and have tried so hard to be my husband's ex's friend. We have young children close to the same age and are in a small town. I am going to see her and my kids are going to see her kids a lot over the next 15 years, however I just can't deal with the "i hate you today, but i'll love you tomorrow" from her anymore. Should I just say "screw it" and quit all contact and if she comes back and tries to be my friend again, just ignore her? She is so upset I have set boundaries up that she is using her and my husband's son as a pawn. She tx'd tonight saying "i'm dropping him off in an hour" even though it's her weekend with their son. She was upset that I wouldn't keep her son during the week because I had already told her if she doesn't give me advance warning I can't help her. In the time she hates me she is MEAN, and sends very vulgar horrible tx. Any ideas? I don't want to be enemies for the next 10 years..

Answer 1

Dealing with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is always incredibly hard and frustrating, not to mention painful. Being in your situation is difficult because of the dynamics of her being the 'ex' and having a child in the mix.



My advice to you would be to learn about this disorder, it is highly unlikely she knows she has it, or if she has been diagnosed that she will accept it... but you can take steps to protect yourself and your family by learning about her triggers, why she does the things she does and why she reacts the way she does, and then learning to detach and put in place strong boundaries.



My partner has BPD so I am speaking from a place of understanding, from being what I have learned to be affectionately called a 'Non'. A 'Non' is the partner or relative of someone who has BPD. And believe it or not there is an affecionate term for someone in your situation... a 'Non-non'...lol... a Non-non being someone who is now involved with a person who is a relative/spouse/ex of someone with BPD.



It is a very hard disorder to be around and deal with but please take heart that you are not alone in dealing with this...



.... I have found several resources on the net that have helped me...



I would suggest you take a look at this site for the friends/relatives/spouses of those with BPD, the message board has lots of interesting reading and tips on dealing, there are some non-non's there too ;)



www.bpdfamily.com



good luck



Bishy x

Answer 2

The hardest part of a situation like this is that SHE probably doesn't realize that she has a problem, and she will be even more problematic if you try to convince her that she is the problem. Does she know she has BPD (has she been diagnosed, or are you just that keen and perceptive)? Another problem with this situation is that the only way to really fix the issue is to get this ex-wife into treatment -which may be damn near impossible.



So if she is already seeing a therapist, you just brace yourself for the time being and let time take its toll. However, if she ISN'T getting some help, then perhaps you could try to round up your husband and kids and see if they'd help with the plan - if you all go with her to a (interpersonal) group therapy session or two, telling her that you are going to try to build communication in the family or something like that, but let the therapist know ahead of time that this ex-wife will be there and she has BPD. That may be the best shot you have at getting her some help without angering her more.



However, I realize how that suggestion just may not be feasible for some families and some people, so I'm aware that it's a shot in the dark. Hang in there, because dealing with an ex-wife is tough enough (I've been there), but it's three times more difficult if she is borderline. Perhaps you should also look into some groups on the web for people who are in your situation and are trying to live with/around a person who has bpd.

Answer 3

After 8 years dealing with my husband's crazy ex-one-night-stand-resulting-in-a-child, I've learned the best thing to do is ignore it. I refuse to let another person dictate how I will feel or make my house feel like a crazy place. Unfortunately, the kids do suffer in the end because we choose not to step in when we know it would be best for my step-son, but I finally realized that my sanity is worth any cost, including giving up some control over how my step-son turns out. We came to the conclusion that as much as our interventions could get him to college and help him turn into a productive person, if he doesn't end up in jail for the rest of his life that might be just fine, as long as my husband and I stay happy and not totally nuts. I'm not going to kill myself trying to do the right thing for him when his own crazy mother is working so hard against it.

Answer 4

BPD sufferers are really borderline sociopathic, using every tool available to reach their objectives. They are not capable of calculating, much less caring about, the impact of their actions. They just look at life as being like a jungle and themselves as the person with the machete. When it comes to situations of an ex who suffers BPD and a child in the middle, this is where you start to feel bitter toward the courts. The courts are extremely slow to recognize what is going on, and by then the damage is usually done. BPD s are worse than heroin addicts, from a clinical perspective. Do not underestimate them.